He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
