Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
