I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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