I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
