Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
