I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize