Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
