Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
