i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
