News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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