and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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