Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
