You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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