sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
