you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
