Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
