I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
