one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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