you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
