I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
