So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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