What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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