what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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