My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
