if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
