That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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