Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
