he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
