Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
What a dumb baby whore.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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