She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
