So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
