Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
