i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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