I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
