dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
