My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
