i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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