So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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