remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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