Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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