This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
