I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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