I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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