Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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