just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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