just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
