Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
