I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
