Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
