No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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