Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
