so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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