Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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