I think I just saw someone hide a body.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
