I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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