it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
