my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
