Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
