she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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